How To: Defend Your House On Halloween
Halloween is almost upon us, and despite the free candy you will be looting from your kids’ trick-or-treat bags and the hot costumes chicks will be wearing at parties this weekend, there are plenty of reasons to be on high alert.
Halloween is a holiday made for zits. Just remember back to the days when you were between the age of 13-18 and you’ll know what I mean. Young punks will roam the streets of your neighborhood with an arsenal of pranks and mischief that can leave you and your family cleaning up the carnage well into the following week. But don’t fear, The Mantuary is here to help. I’m going to break down some of the most common acts of vandalism that will be occuring this weekend and suggest pro-active ways to prevent them from happening, or at least make sure the perpetrators think twice before hitting your house next year. Here at The Mantuary we always say the best defense is a good offense.
1.) “TPing” (or “Yard Rolling”)
If you don’t want to wake up the day after Halloween and peer out your window to find your yard looking like a scene from “White Christmas” make sure to get Night Vision, duct tape, and round up some buddies for a good ol’ fashioned stake out. There’s nothing that young punks enjoy more than getting a few friends together with some rolls of toilet paper around 2-3am in the morning and tossing them up into the trees around the neighborhood. As simple as this sounds, it gets a lot of stares and will take a while to get down. They may even try using a Super Soaker to wet it down and make it even more of a mess to clean up. What they won’t expect is you and your gang of friends jumping out from behind the bushes to tackle them SCUD missile style and doing a little “DTing” (or “Zit Rolling”) of your own. Place bets on who can round up the most zits and make sure to get the duct tape nice and tight around any exposed body hair, as this makes it especially painful to rip off.
2.) “Egging”
Here again, a good stake out with some buddies is the key. It also helps to have a 300 yard Water Balloon Launcher and a few dozen eggs of your own. Most zits don’t have the brainpower to think beyond throwing eggs at your car and house with anything more than their puny little arms, but here at The Mantuary we fight fire with firepower. A few eggs to the body traveling at high velocity will leave some nice welts reminding them that you and yours are not to be f’d with, because the last thing you want to be doing come the morning of Nov. 1st is scraping egg yolks off of your vinyl siding and windshields.
3.) “Mailbox Massacre”
This one is usually left to the older zits with at least one buddy who has a drivers license, and it’s technically a federal offense, so don’t be afraid to get mean. There are some products on the market that claim they can prevent this tragedy of twisted metal from happening, but let’s face it, nothing sends the appropriate shockwave down a young punk’s forearm like a mailbox full of Quikrete. Sure, you will effectively be destroying your own mail box by filling it full of concrete, but isn’t it worth it in the long run?
4.) “Leaf Pile Driver”
Another prank pulled by older zits behind the wheel. The sheer joy that a young punk feels while driving his car at 90mph through your freshly raked leaves that have been left at the curb for municipal pickup will be wiped out in an instant when he exclaims “What the F!@#$?” as his ride bottoms out on the cinder blocks you’ve left hidden in the pile. He’ll also have fun explaining to his Dad the next day why his parents’ new car no longer has a functioning transmission (trust me, I speak from experience).
5.) Flaming Bag-O-Dog Shit
This one is a little tougher to combat than all the rest. The flaming bag-o-dog shit is a brilliant prank, especially if the victim has never experienced it before. The beauty lies in the fact that dog shit is set on fire, so not only does it smell like Satan’s dirt star, if the victim gives in to the natural reaction to stomp it out his foot is now covered in charred dog shit. So how do you beat it? You’re gonna have to dig out the turf shoes for this one and go Al Bundy on these zits.
The second your doorbell rings, be ready to hit the ground running. Pay no attention to the stank as you high-hurdle the flaming canine feces on your doorstep. Immediately sprint toward the inevitable chuckles you hear in the neighbors yard, behind a tree, in a bush, etc. By the time the young punks realize you’re on your way to stomping in their heads instead of stomping out their dog shit, you’ll have more than a running start toward suburban justice. There’s not a gang of teenagers in the world that doesn’t have a fat kid tagging along with them, so go directly for him as they start to scatter. Sweep the leg, give him a flying forearm shiver across the body, or roll the hips for that perfect form tackle to take down the vandal. Remember, LEGS FEED THE WOLF!
Tubby McGee will now be fighting back his own shit problems as he quivers in fear on the ground. As you pop up from your form tackle be sure to shout out a big “Whoo-Hooo, I still got it, Motherf*ckers!!!” and start to gyrate like The Ultimate Warrior (the greatest wrestler of all time). Make sure your victory chants are loud enough for all the neighborhood kids to hear. Leave Tubby wincing in fear, lying in the grass and wondering his fate while all his friends watch in awe from a distance. Strut back to your house Shaft style while talking to yourself, just loud enough for any remaining zits hiding in nearby bushes to hear. Make sure to say things like, ”You just don’t wanna f*ck with this!”, “I can run forever, bitches” and “I must protect this house!!!”.
Hopefully these words of wisdom from The Founding Father will help to keep your home prank-free this Halloween. Pull these tactics off successfully and everyone’s a winner. The zits get a good scare with minimal body damage, they dub you the crazy guy in the neighborhood, and they will certainly focus their vandalism on less aggressive victims in the future. Tubby McGee learns a valuable lesson that only the strongest survive, and you get to go home and brag to your wife that you still have some of that 4.7 x 40 speed you had back in college.
Be A Man.
-The Founding Father
