58 Seconds
Last weekend, I took the family deep into the woods with nothing more than my bare hands and a Gore-Tex jacket containing the only thing I needed to bag the ultimate evergreen in a single pocket. 2 hours later, we appeared back at base camp dragging the 2008 family Christmas Tree behind us. I’d bet a weeks paycheck that the farmer would have given me the tree for free had I only told him how I felled that 11 foot pine. Ahhh…the Pocket Chainsaw! Here’s how it went down.
The Prep: This year I mixed things up a little bit and started in a side posture as you can see here. I’d have to say that fatigue set in much quicker this way so I think I’ll be going back to the straddle position next year.
The Primer: A smooth, even start is key. The hen started the official timer on the first sound of steel against wood, and this year I was determined to beat my prior record of 1 min 17 seconds. This picture was taken at :07 sec.
Getting Lazy: At :29 sec, fatigue and the 6′er I threw back the night before were already taking their toll. I started getting lazy, so I quickly popped up to the straddle position in hopes of breaking the 1 min barrier. My speed was back but now I was more prone to pulling up on the chain. Although quicker, my cuts were anything but optimal. The upward angle I was now cutting in the straddle position was working against the horizontal angle I had started in the side posture, which certainly added time instead of decreasing it. The lesson learned here is to pick a position and stick with it no matter how much you think it might start to hurt. LEGS FEED THE WOLF!
The Burn: At :50 sec, the lactic acid that was building in my forearms could have killed the world’s fastest cheetah. I let out a roar of pain as my wife looked on with great confusion and general disgust. I could tell she was thinking of 101 easier, more convenient, safer, fuzzier, less embarrassing, and warmer ways to get our Christmas Tree…that’s it baby, fuel the fire. At the same time I looked into my son’s eyes and knew that he understood the reason for my pain and my quest to cut down the perfect tree in under a minute using only my bare hands and a tool that can fit in your pocket. He will make a great Man one day.
Victory Is Mine: As soon as I made the last cut, I jumped up and yelled, “TIME!”. Eyes rolling, my wife looked at the stopwatch I had provided her as she muttered, “fifty eight seconds”. I threw the pocket chainsaw in the air and let out my infamous Ultimate Warrior battle cry. My kids cheered me on. What Mother Nature took 10 years to create, I downed in :58 sec flat. After taking a minute to let some of the burn leave my forearms, I dragged the tree back to base camp. And while my wife would say it was no longer than a football field, let me assure you, it was nothing short of a 1/2 mile trek. Once we arrived back home, I treated myself to a glass of Glenlivet in celebration of our new family Christmas Tree and my new record time in cutting her down.
What a great time of year!
Be A Man.
-The Founding Father
For my original review of the Pocket Chainsaw, click here.
Filed under: Seasonal, Stuff You Should Own, Survival
Holy Chainsaws, that’s awesome. Does it really fit in your pocket? Is it durable? Dangerous? More explanation is clearly required about its operation. At $22, The Common Man is considering getting it just to say he has one. Also, he has a dead tree that would make good firewood.
I can do something in 58 seconds too…