The Mantuary

BUY MANTUARY GEAR!

No Mantuary is complete until a Man clearly marks his territory, and I’m here to tell you there is no better way to mark it than The Official Mantuary Sign, the #1 Thing Better Than An Ugly Tie this Holiday Season.

In order for you to fully understand the power behind this sign, let me tell you its story.  As you should already know, the very first Mantuary sign was hung in my garage many years ago.  As one of the first pieces of Mantuary Art it was a thing of beauty, but admittedly, it was a little amateurish.  Even so, I knew the day would come when I would need to create a sign for my fellow Mantuarians who would demand something more, and so it was with this singular vision and driven purpose that I went forth to develop the Manliest sign ever created. 

First, I met with numerous graphical designers to create a logo.  After countless drafts I began to narrow down the possible candidates.  I tested each and every one to make sure it portrayed the Manliest message allowed by law.  I hung the rough sketches on my Mantuary wall and studied them under situations common to every Man: in the morning with a cup of coffee, in the evening after coming home pissed off from work, and on a weekend afternoon bug-eyed from drinking a fifth of whiskey while assembling the kids Christmas presents in a constant state of frustration.  Slowly, the 10 candidates were narrowed down until there was only one…the Manliest sign in the universe.  The last design standing is so Manly that it actually emits testosterone.  I held the sign up to my wife and she’s now pregnant with our third child.  Just the other night I went into my Mantuary and this sign was sweating profusely with a chew in while reading the newspaper and taking a dump. I even heard it has since challenged Chuck Norris to a death match.

With the final design in hand, I needed to find a suitable manufacturer worthy of turning my vision into physical reality.  I pursued many online resources, but the samples they sent me were of poor quality, plastic, thin, and cheap versions of what I was ultimately looking for in a finished Mantuary sign.  I wouldn’t have given any of them to my worst enemy.  Signs constructed of weak materials like these are made for man caves, and you can buy plenty of those from companies like this.  And if you go that route, you might as well order a singing gerbil to shove up your ass while you’re at it.

My search continued until I finally Manned up and found a local craftsman named Norm.  Norm doesn’t just make signs, he puts 12 foot hamburgers on the sides of McDonald’s 18 wheelers and naked lady graphics on race cars.  Norm drinks scotch for breakfast and basically spends all day in a ”working” Mantuary.  Norm is a Man’s Man who knows what The Mantuary is all about.  He understood what I was looking for in a sign that would carry the Mantuary seal – something rugged, something that would last.  Something you need to hang with a nail, not double-sided tape. With all of this in mind, Norm made me a sign. The first time I saw it I had a pretty good feeling that this was THE Mantuary sign that every Man must own, but it had to pass one final test.  After picking up the sign from Norm’s shop I brought it home and showed it to my wife, asking her, “What do you think?”  She looked at it for no more than a second, rolled her eyes, and then turned to walk away.  At that moment, I knew I had magic in my hands. 

And now I’ve got Norm on call to make every Man out there his own Mantuary sign to hang proudly in his domain.  This sign will drop kick any Mantuary imposters and man cave wannabees, because only The Official Mantuary Sign has these Manly features:

• 18 inches (in diameter) of testosterone infused signage
• Made of high gauge aluminum
• Commercial quality vinyl graphic design application
• Punched holes for easy hanging
• Officially registered Mantuary trademark
• Individually numbered and signed by The Founding Father for authenticity
• Made in the USA.  More importantly, made by Norm.

For a limited time only, you can get a sign for $34.50 with FREE SHIPPING!  Tell me the significance of the price and I’ll throw in a Mantuary beer koozie on me.  Because these signs are individually numbered you’ll want to get in early, so order one now, and…

 Be A Man.

- The Founding Father

Filed under: Stuff You Should Own