The Mantuary

BUY MANTUARY GEAR!

There are very few things I do in life that aren’t over the top and fueled by testosterone.  This Christmas was no exception.

A few days before Christmas, the hen gave me specific instructions to put the kids’ Christmas presents together.  I had a fresh keg of Miller Lite on tap, so I welcomed the challenge.  I escaped to The Mantuary for the day with a toolbox and circular saw (just in case) in hand. 

First, I tackled my daughter’s pink bike with training wheels because I needed my fine motor skills to ensure the bike was put together properly and my daughter would be safe this spring when I would be teaching her how to ride said bike.  2 beers and some minor modifications later, the bike was ready to roll.

Up next, my son’s Spiderman Scooter.  Much easier than expected, I slapped that thing together in less than 10 minutes.  I rewarded myself with a few more beers as I mentally prepared for what was to be the final project…The Grocery Store. 

This year’s “shared” present was going to be a grocery store for the kids.  I tried to convince the hen of a much better idea like an industrial park slide off the back of our deck into the yard 1 story below, but given that the gift was already purchased, she ultimately prevailed.  While she may have won this round, I can assure you the kids will be getting PaintBall guns next Christmas, and quite possibly graduate to Airsoft weaponry the following year.  In any event, marraige tends to be about compromise and the KidKraft Grocery Store was delivered to our front door in a nice little box by the UPS man.  This was the last thing I needed to build for Christmas 2008 and I was looking forward to the challenge.  I have to admit, the picture on the outside of the box showed a much cooler grocery store than what I was expecting.  It had shelving, a canopy, and bar coded products like milk and a slab of bacon.  Having downed my 6th beer, I opened the box and began assembling the toy that my wife promised would “provide our kids with countless hours of entertainment”.

After 3 1/2 hours, a bottle of Gorilla Glue, a few cuts with the circular saw, a roll of duct tape, and countless beers later, this is what the grocery store looked like: 

By now, it’s sitting in some UPS wharehouse on its way back to KidKraft. 

While I am no Bob Villa and admitteddly had more than a few cold ones in me at the time, anybody with a pulse could have seen this piece of shit was cut entirely wrong.  The pre-drilled holes were at least 3/4 of an inch off and there is no amount of craftmanship in the world that’s gonna make up for that!  I gave it an honest effort but every man has his limits, and after 3+ hours and a litany of curse words, I had reached mine.  When I found out the hen had paid over $150 for a bunch of miscut pieces of particle board, I made the decision to send this steaming pile of dog crap back. 

It was now less than 24 hours until Santa would be coming down the chimney and the hen was fuming about the fact that we had no “joint gift” for the kids.  Not knowing how I would pull it off, I promised her there would be a Christmas Miracle as I left for work the next day, Christmas Eve. 

After putting in a half day of work I headed to that familiar place where I look for all of life’s answers, Home Cheapo.  I wandered the aisles looking for the perfect Christmas present for the kids to “share” when I remembered the present F.I.L. (my Father In Law) was getting my son for Christmas: a Lionel train set he and I had picked out a few weeks prior. A Manly excursion worthy of its own post in and of itself.  As I thought about the train and turned down Aisle 12, the answer to my dilemma hit me like a stack of lumber.  If I could construct something worthy enough to properly display my son’s new train, both he and my daughter would be able to enjoy the ”countless hours of entertainment” together as originally envisioned by my wife.

A sheet of plywood, some astroturf, 5 2×4′s, 3 4×4′s, and a box of drywall nails later, I left Home Cheapo with everything I needed to make my Christmas Miracle happen.  I came home and told the hen to occupy the kids as I once again went to work in The Mantuary.  For less than $40 and 45 minutes of labor, I constructed the ultimate train table:

Knowing it would be tough to justify this to the hen as a gift my son AND his sister could “share”, I also made a quick stop at the local hobby store for some landcaping trees, bushes and other things my daughter could use to decorate a miniature town for the train to run through.  Needless to say, I was pretty proud of my Christmas Miracle. I had an extra hundred bucks in my pocket, both kids were ecstatic upon seeing and playing with the finished product, and although my wife isn’t quite ready to admit it, the table really is pretty damn cool. 

Be A Man.

-The Founding Father

Filed under: Seasonal