The Tour-De-Lake
Question: How can you celebrate the hen’s birthday and enjoy your own Mancation at the same time?
Answer: You do what I did last weekend.
Last weekend, I shipped the kids off to the grandparents and surprised the hen with a birthday getaway in the mountains. While this has all the potential of being a story of whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears while laying on a bear skin rug sipping pink wine next to a fire, I’m here to tell you this “getaway” was nothing short of my own Mancation.
I came home early from work and told the hen we were leaving on a trip together for the weekend. The word “confused” doesn’t even begin to describe her state of mind as these words came out of my mouth. Within an hour I had our bags packed, the grandparents briefed on what it would take to keep my dog and kids alive for the next 48 hours, and my wife and I were heading north straight into an impending snowstorm. I used the GPS to get us to a bed and breakfast on a lake that we checked into at 17:00. We dropped the bags off in our room and went straight to the bar. Once there, I embarked on a mini scotch tasting while we wasted a few hours before a 19:30 dinner reservation. I worked my way throuth the Glens enjoying a 12, 15 and 18. I savored every last drop and the 18 was my favorite. Though I’ve tasted it before, it’s always nice to experience its perfectly balanced hints of sherry and fruit aromas. I’ll definitely be adding a bottle of 18 to my home collection.
For dinner I had a 14 ounce filet cooked to perfection with a house recomended red wine. To be honest, I wish I would have stayed with scotch but rolled with the punches nonetheless. That night I prepared myself for the Manliest part of our getaway.
As much as I tried to sleep in, I woke up around 07:00. While the hen slept I headed to the lobby, grabbed a cup of coffee, stoked the fire that was roaring, and read the paper. At 09:00 I woke the hen and told her to get ready for her next surprise. I took her about a mile down the road and dropped her off at the “spa”. No kids, no husband, no nothing, just 6 hours to herself as she was pampered from head to toe. We would meet up later that night, but for now it was only 10:05 and I had the entire day to myself. So what did I do? I didn’t sit in the lobby, that’s for sure.
10:07: My goal was to drive around the perimiter of the lake and pursue any and all endeavors I deemed Mantuary worthy. To start my journey, I punched “BBQ” into the GPS and 9 miles later I came upon a general store with a BBQ pit in the back. Even in sub-zero weather, there was smoke billowing from the back of this place so I knew I had found a winner. I placed an order for a pulled pork sandwich when I saw an older gentleman walk behind the counter. I asked if he was the pitmaster and sure enough, after a few minutes of chat he took me in the back and showed me his homemade smoker. It was an an offset smoker that held up to 300 lbs of meat at a time. At this time, there were a couple racks of spares on there that i’m sure were going to be the lunch special. We swapped BBQ stories before I continued on my journey. For $5.75 I got a huge pulled pork sandwich and Arizona green tea. I ate it in the car while heading to my next destination.
10:56: I continued to drive around the lake when I drove past some guy’s residence and saw billowing smoke coming from his back yard. As I passed, it appeared to be smoke coming out of his shed!? This created just enough curiosity in me to get me to turn around. I pulled into his driveway and he was chopping wood outside his burninig shed. I introduced myself and told him of my love for BBQ. He then proceeded to show me the shed he converted into a smokehouse…f’n brilliant! With the frigid weather, I was only able to take a quick peak inside but what I did see was enough sausage and keilbasa hanging in there to feed an army. We got to talking about The Mantuary and he told me this was his place of solitude. I could tell he had work to do so I kept it short, got in the car and continued to drive around the lake.
11:15: About a mile down the road, I came upon The Lakeville Meat Market. Although I was still full from the pulled pork sam’ich 1 hour prior, I simply couldn’t help myself. The farmer had his own smokehouse around back that he was more than willing to show me. Unfortunately, it was not fired up at the time but it was a typical smokehouse setup. He specialized in slow smoked meats including sausage, bacon, kelbasa and beef jerkey. Needless to say, I picked up 1/4 lb of beef jerkey and a few vacuum sealed packs of sausage and bacon. The jerky didn’t last more than 15 minutes once I got back in the car, and I just finished up the summer sausage this weekend for Sunday breakfast with the hen and kids. Everything was phenomenal!
12:15: Full of smoked and cured meat I happened upon my next stop and seriously thought God was just starting to mess with me. I say this because I had no idea where I was going, just driving around on a beef jerky buzz following back country roads around a 50 mile lake with no direction. And then, like the scene from Monty Python when they approach the Holy Grail, the clouds parted and the sun shone on a small parcel of land. I nearly soiled myself when I rounded a corner and came upon Man Heaven – a Fireworks store!
You know how every neighborhood has the guy who sets fireworks off for every occasion? Yeah, well I’m that Man. It probably stems from my early days of Firework Wars but as any man can attest, once you get the itch for fireworks, you can never scratch it enough! ”It’s A Boy!” Here’s a couple Grucci Park Avenue Peony Brocades to mark the occasion. 4th of July, gather the kids ’cause The Founding Father is setting off his 36 piece Floral Power Pack. Saturday night dinner party going a little slow? C’mon BIL (Brother In Law) we’re heading out back and giving the nieghborhood a Golden Shower. I headed into that store with nothing more than a beef jerky sodium buzz and an out of state license. I walked out of there with enough fireworks to see me through the summer. Seriously, what could possibly top this?
Again, I thought to myself, is this journey I am on some test from God? Perhaps He was taking me down a road that would test my commitment to the hen, leading me to naked college girls who love to drink beer and feed beef jerky to husky middle aged men while they watch football with a chew in. What could possibley be next?
13:15: To calm myself down, I got back in the car and threw in a chew. The empty Arizona bottle from lunch was the perfect spitter as I continued my drive around the lake. I happened upon a small town and through a pretty heavy snow when I saw a sign that caught my eye: A hardware store that had been around since 1857! Although I frequent Home Cheapo it’s only because more times than not I am forced to do so. I am partial to small businesses and will forever drive 25 miles out of my way to hit up a Mom-n-Pop store over a Home Cheapo. Anyway, I walked into this hardware store and the bell above the door alerted the owner I was there. 
A friendly guy came from the back wearing an apron and opened with the classic line, “Still coming down out there?” Clearly I was in no rush, so I was more than happy to strike up a conversation with him. He talked about his “previos life” in a faster paced community before he moved to the mountains for a slower, more down to earth existence working in a hardware store. Damn, does this guy have it figured out! I thought to myself. We swapped a few stories and he told me about his own Mantuary – a workshop he has in his basement where he drinks his beer and builds “stuff”. After about an hour of browsing and talking, I walked out of there with a bike pump for my daughter’s new bike and a 16″ drill bit I needed for an ongoing home project (more on that to come).
14:27: I had less than 2 hours left before I had to pick up the hen so I needed to start preparing myself for the harsh reality that this was “her” weekend and the Tour-de-Lake would be comming to a quick end. I headed back toward the spa and found what would be my safe haven for the remainder of my time alone. It was your typical hole in the wall bar and I couldn’t wait to meet the locals. I walked in and as I expected it was like the Jukebox had stopped. Everyone at the bar turned in their swivel top seats and peered through the clouds of Marlboro smoke to let it be known I was an outsider. I looked at them thinking everyone had their first time entering this bar so I didnt let it intimadate me. I took a seat in front of the 50-some inch TV that had the NFL channel 
on. This would work; this is where I would call home for the remainder of my time. I bellied up and the waitress wasn’t too quick to serve me. Understandibly, I was the outsider and would have to prove my worth. I eventually had the opportunity to ask her for a Miller Lite and she actually carded me. Now I haven’t been carded in over 10 years and I certainly don’t have a boyish face, but I played the game. This wasn’t to see if I was 21, this was to get a name and a face. This was to tell every local at the edges of town to ‘git me if I tried anything funny. I eventually got my beer and watched the NFL preview show (remember, this was 2 Saturdays ago, before the Saturday playoff games). I had a few more beers as I watched more guys come in on snowmobiles than cars. The weather was getting pretty rough. By now I dulled my senses enough to prepare myself for picking up the hen. I finished my beer and never did get to talk with anyone. This was their Mantuary and you’re not going to be very welcomed on the first visit. Nonetheless, I tipped the waitress nicely as any Man should and got back in the car.
15:40: I had 20 minutes left as I threw in one last chew and headed back to the spa to pick up the hen. I was thankful for my day and was hopeful the hen had a good day as well. Ultimately, this was her day and she truly deserves it. She’s the best wife any husband could ask for and a truly perfect mother to our kids. With the storm outside, it appeared as though the hen was closing the place because there were no other cars in the parking lot. Upon entering the premises the “hostess” sat me in a stiff leather chair in a balmy room that smelled like flowers. I waited for them to finish drying the hen’s hair and took one last picture to document my day…
…which reaffirmed my general disgust for spas. I sat there wondering what could possibly be likeable about such a place like this when I reminded myself that I’ll understand that as much as the hen will understand the enjoyment I got out of my Tour-De-Lake.
16:05: The hen was ecstatic about her day and ever thankful for my “thoughtfulness”. She asked me what I did with my day to which I told her, “Eh, I just drove around”. She gave me a kiss on the cheek as I guided her into the car. I closed her door and rounded the car to get in myself. I sat down and before I could start the car she asked me, “why does it smell like beef jerky in here?” Before I could answer that she rolled her eyes again and asked, ”is that a spitter bottle”. I just chuckled to myself knowing there was no response I could elicit that would make her understand. My pursuit of Mantuary worthy endeavors had officially come to an end. But that’s OK, this was her day. And so, my story ends there. For the remainder of the trip there was no more opportunity for me to…
Be A Man.
-The Founding Father
Filed under: BBQ, Food, Manovations, Seasonal, Survival
