The Mantuary

BUY MANTUARY GEAR!

As a dedicated reader, you should already know about the weekend retreat I took the hen on a few weeks ago.  You should also know this threw our Maintence Ratios way out of balance and I needed to get them back in check.  I managed to do just that while getting optimal use out of my Mantuary:  despite the fact that there was no football to watch this past weekend, I rallied the guys and threw a Poker Party…but not just any poker party.

At least once a year, I hold a Texas No Limit Hold’em Poker Tournament for friends and a few neighbors/family members I don’t mind embarrasing myself in front of.  This weekend was the 10th installment of the Poker Tournament so I dug deep to come up with an interesting twist.  The previous 9 events have already made this tournament become larger than life.  I make it a point to provide a casino-like atmosphere with chip racks, clay chips, dealer buttons, authentic playing cards, and official blind schedules. I’ve also added a wall of fame showing previous winners in customized picture frames and an 800 lb trophy to commemorate the winner.  As you can tell, I really had to dig deep to mark the 10th anniversary with something special.

I had 19 guys playing, each paying the traditional $100 entrance fee, and because it was the 10th anniversary I threw in a new twist.  After the success of this weekend, it will quickly become the new standard.  In addition to the $100 entrance fee, each participant was required to bring no less than one bottle of single malt scotch.  The ensuing debauchery that took place in The Mantuary this weekend may just go down in history as the single most testosterone infused meatheaded conglomeration ever brought together without the draw of a televised sporting event.  While only the top 5 players got paid, I can tell you that EVERYONE got their money’s worth. 

I prepped early in anticipation of what would be an absolute shit show.  Guys started showing up at 18:00 just about the time I was pulling 25 pounds of smoked sausage off the smoker.  By 18:15 I had the sausage, cheese tray, ring balogna, homemade salsa, 20-some scotch glasses and a bucket of ice ready for the masses.  As the guys showed up they cashed in for their chips and set their bottle of single malt on the table.  Ironically, out of the 19 participants/bottles of scotch, we did not have 1 repeat!  There was well over $1,000 worth of scotch ready for consumption as the cards hit the tables at 19:00 sharp. 

I had 3 tables set up (2 tables of 6, 1 table of 7) for the 19 participants that drew for seats randomly.  I followed the format and blind structure I have outlined in my previous post How To: Throw Your Own Poker Tournament and it played out perfectly.  When each table got down to 2 players (around 23:24) the play was stopped and the remaining 6 players (2 from each of the 3 tables) came together to duke it out at the final table.   We took a 15 minute break and started the final table at 00:01 on Sunday morning.  I was lucky enough to not only make the final table, but finish second ($450) in what was by far the most memorable tournament to date.  The official tournament was over by 01:45 when the real debauchery began.  The scotch really started to flow as cash games and fooseball for money continued till 06:00 that morning.  As the sun was coming up I called it a night, locked up the house and surveyed the damage.  Fallen soldiers (guys passed out) were everywhere.  All 19 bottles were opened and 16 were completely gone.  I used every chair from every corner of the house and unfortunately one dining room chair paid the ultimate price:

All in all, it was a great night as my head hit the pillow just after 06:00.  Then reality started to set in.  The kids were up by 07:30 and the hen, God Bless her, got up with them without a peep.  As tired as I was, my conscience was eating at me because the hen was once agin flying solo with the kids, only this time there were 10+ guys passed out randomly around our house.  All of this after I also made her go out and get 20 lbs of ice and a tin of Kodiak at 22:00 the night before.  Maintenance Ratio in mind, I was getting the sense that I may have overtipped the scales in my favor by hosting this event and I didn’t want to give her the upper hand.   So what is a Man to do?  With an Alcohol to Sleep Ratio in the double digits, I got myself out of bed and told the hen, ”get the kids dressed, we’re going sledding out back”.  I’m not sure if it was the single malt talking or if I was just that insane, but sure enough, by 09:00 Sunday morning, I’m pushing the kids down the hill behind our house while the hen managed to get a little time to herself.  As tough as it was, this move certainly saved my hide.  I lasted about 2 hours before hitting a wall like no other.  At 11:00 I took the kids in, fed them lunch, and everyone (including dad) took naps.  Understanding the sacrifice I made that morning, the hen let me sleep the better part of the afternoon with absolutely zero guilt.  And it’s not like I missed anything, because after all, there was no football to watch!

Be A Man.

-The Founding Father

 

Filed under: Beer, Food, Grilling, Man Math 101, Poker, Scotch