If you live in a cold climate, you are undoubtedly dealing with one helluva dirty car at the moment.  With all of the snow, ice, sleet, hail, rain, and general sludge comes an overload of salt.  Salt is to rust as the clap is to burning pee.   Get it away from you car immediately.  However, this presents a problem.  Taking your car to most automatic car washes is like drinking ocean water to quench your thirst.  Most car washes in the United States are required to recycle their water, which means the last 300 cars worth of salt is being dumped on your car and polished into it if you’re the next in line.  Yes, there are complicated filtration systems and desalinization chemicals, but they are expensive and most car washes skimp on this big time.  I generally make it a point to avoid them unless the hen is whining.  If you do frequent them in the winter, avoid the gas station car washes and the cheap labor.

The problem is not so much the fact that there is salt, as salt is easily washed away with water.  The problem is that the US Department of Transportation authorized the use of “salt brine” as a preventative way to stop roads from icing.  The brine sticks to the roads, and unlike rock salt, it doesn’t get scattered to the shoulders.  This “solution” has the consistency of runny glue which sticks well to the road to prevent icing, but it also sticks to your car so well that it is common for it to rust the lug nuts of your car right into the axels.  That on top of the fact that it has a basic pH and will be all over your paint, dulling it and giving it that “sat in the sun” haze.  What’s a car enthusiast to do?

Well first things first, get your lazy ass off the couch in the Fall and wax the car at least once.  Assuming you have done that, the best way to get rid of the salt and keep your car looking good is to go to one of those DIY washes that provide pressure washers.  Self serve washes are typically excluded from the water recycling laws AND they usually have a far greater chemical concentration than the tunnels.  For $2-4 you can blast your car with 120+ lbs of water force and watch the salt wash away.  Be sure to get inside the wheel wells thoroughly and pay attention to all seams in the body.  They are the places where it accumulates the most, and where rust is the most prone to begin forming.  It’s cold, it’s Winter, so rinsing with a spot free rinse is understandable.  It will air dry in no time, however I keep a fresh set of towels I’ve borrowed from the good people at the Sheraton in my trunk for these very moments.  Do this weekly and your car will thank you.

If you are really want your car looking sharp in the Arctic, DO NOT USE TIRE DRESSING in the Winter.  It will react badly with the salt causing unnecessary corrosion to your wheels.  You don’t need to make your tires even more slippery than they already are to begin with.  You would be amazed how long that stuff will stay on the bottoms of your tires in cold weather.

Be A Man.

- The Founding Father

That may sound egotistical at first, but I firmly believe that no matter how strong your marraige bond may be, we each still need some time alone in our own space to do those things that may not be in the best interest of the couple as a whole, but in the best interest of ourselves.

Please note: that is not an excuse to get a hooker, start doing coke in the basement or quit your job and become a roadie for WWE. I’m referring to victimless time spent with your buddies, kept in balance by the time your wife may spend scrapbooking, drinking wine, and/or spending money with her girlfriends.

I’ll proudly say that more than anything in my life, my wife makes me happy and I am forever dedicated to her, but when Superstars of Dance is competing with the NFL Playoffs or she refuses to accept my 200 figure Simpsons collection as something that should be shown in the house, there needs to be an out.  And so, The Mantuary is created.  As much as I may not understand the rational behind shopping trips or brow waxes, she does not understand why I sit in the Mantuary until 1:00am to watch the Colts lose in overtime to the Chargers in HD on a 48″ flatscreen with 5.1 surround sound rather than watching it from our “cozy” bed on our 13″ VCR/TV combo piece of shit.  The bottom line is, my wife and I love each other to no end but also understand there are things like my Mantuary or her girl’s nights out that are necessary to keep the ship of marital bliss afloat.

Therefore, I have a Mantuary, the only place in the house where my wife’s voice is not heard and she has her nights out where I can’t imagine my interests are of any concern, and we’re both cool with that.

Now, on to today’s post.  This past weekend was particularly interesting because The Mantuary was bombarded with comments from several women.  Nothing earth shattering, just a few comments, all complimentary, mostly about their husbands own “spaces” and the impact it has had on their relationship.  While I am a big proponent of using The Mantuary for Manly banter, there will be a line drawn with what is considered an acceptable “comment”.  While I welcome comments on Gold Bond medicated itch powder and it’s miraculous effects on keeping the boys comfy, or debates on the #1 college football team in the nation (Holy Shit! what a game last night!), these comments are only Mantuary worthy when submitted by a Man.  For this reason, I will forevever keep The Mantuary void of any female comments.  Women please note: if you want to have a say on that space a Man calls his own, you can do so under the guise of what so many “men” are calling their “man cave”.  I know there are plenty of man cave sites out there that would welcome the attention.  The Mantuary is NOT a man cave.  The Mantuary is and always will be free of any female influence.  Think of The Mantuary as The Augusta of the internet. 

Much like the Mantuary was built for respite from living among female influence, The Mantuary.com was built with similar intention.  Female voices have a place to be heard, it’s just not in my Mantuary or on The Mantuary.com.  

So fear not, Men. Once again The Founding Father is looking out for your best interests. I think the first article to our Constitution may have been formed: The Mantuary.com will be free from female influence and continue to be your sanctuary for all things Man!  Bust balls, discuss Manly things, comment and email me accordingly.  And ladies, if you have a problem with that, I suggest you do two things: treat yourself to a ladies night out and…

LMBYFC

Be A Man.

-The Founding Father

I know there is at least one Ohio State fan that wouldn’t have changed a thing.

Be A Man.

-The Founding Father

If you haven’t done so already, please read the Introduction to Man Math before proceeding.

The Founding Father’s Theory of Initiation Declination states:

The number of times a Man attempts to initiate sex with his wife divided by the number of times his wife attempts to initiate sex with him will result in a number that grows exponentially over the course of their marraige, eventually approaching infinity.

Listen up, all you young bucks out there who have yet to tie the noose knot. It is extremely important that you grasp the full consequences of this theory as you consider ”popping the question” to your girlfriend. 

Here’s a look at how this number increases, while the sex decreases, over time:

Stage 1: In the early days of  your relationship you can expect a number in the 1-2 range: for every time you ask her, she’s asking you. You’re humping like rabbits and all is right in the world. 

Stage 2: Once you get married, this number quickly (almost instantaneously) moves into the 10-20 range: that’s right, for every 10-20 times you beg her, she’ll only be allowing you once! 

Stage 3: After your first kid, look out, because this number will peak somewhere in the 100-1,000 range.

Stage 4: Eventually, your wife will just stop having sex with you altogether, no matter how many times you plead, allowing the number to approach infinity.

Stay tuned, more Man Math 101 to come.

Be A Man.

-The Founding Father

Penn State: 24

USC: 38

Be A Man.

-The Founding Father